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Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate. Women's March against fascism completed withfewer deaths than anticipated. Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where forex "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens. Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play.
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" "Pravda" for Russian speakers. Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom. After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro. Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground.
Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House. Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory. Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually.
As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards. Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign.
Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response. Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first. Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president. Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence.
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men. In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas.
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'. University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities. Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island.
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state". NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget.
College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know fundamentalista a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action. ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios. Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic.
Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need. Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone. John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons.
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend. Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations. China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'.
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith. Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe award ; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths. Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males.
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'. The aftermath of the 'War on Women ' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office. Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders.
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time. Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy. Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents. Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences.
Fun facts about world languages: Analise countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us". Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it. Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole. Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U. Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon.
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks. Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news. Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours.
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues. Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too.
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America. Feminist author slams gay marriage: Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district.
Kim becomes fundamentalista leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle. North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party. White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare. Kim Jong Un executes own " crazy uncle " to keep him from ruining another family Christmas. OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea.
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy. Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC. Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week. Server problems at HealthCare. If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords.
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria. FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp. IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith. Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises fundamentalista rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy. This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester. White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras. Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State. Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested.
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U. Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances. Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago. Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country.
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'. White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out.
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead. President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward. Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects.
Meek forex Earth, can't afford estate taxes. Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama. As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list. New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet.
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: Obama attends church service, worships self. It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of forex bears. Obama calls new taxes 'spending analise in tax code.
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't. Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space.
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom". Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere. Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college. Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome. People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies.
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond. Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics. Jesus saves, I just spend. Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above.
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed. Re-educate your friends, family, and co-workers! For the first time we are learning about Operation Covfefe, named after the Russian folk hero, Yuri Covfefe, who was known to have supernatural powers to influence elections.
Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read the new Trump-Comey edition - their thickest issue to date. Challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. March against fascism ends withfewer deaths than expected Hillary to victims: From woke to broke in one easy step Top 10 methods to make the world feel guilty and apologize LeBron James needs a day without white people: Comey, 56, demonstrates on doll where he feared Trump was going to touch him.
In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here's what we found. Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs. Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.
Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere. School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays. As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly.
We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly.
That is the "Democratic Ideal" for which we now must live. Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of "covfefe. Just some pictures and headlines: An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality.
Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn't move my arms The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today's residents of the British Isles.
The world's best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Analise. The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a "…very, very nice man. Very hospitable," before agreeing on a price for the Vatican. Subjects discussed by the two leaders pdf the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values. He made pdf offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high," Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.
Do you hate Donald Trump? Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days? Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?
Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people's nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden. It has no major spoilers from the show "Vikings". For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.
Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day A sad day today.
I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad. Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion.
On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row! The little girl's armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners. The reason it's disturbing is because little girls don't have armpit hair. So the book's authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don't or won't understand.
In we told the world that "We only have ten years left to save the planet. Then during the election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski Muslim name: So, inprophet al-goreeza issued another forex You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.
But wait no longer! When to feel triggered! Which side to choose! When to choose the other side! How to vent your righteous anger! Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards! Progressive social media protest calendaring function! United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.
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San Francisco, CA -- 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women's restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.
According to the victim's family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.
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